Hidden Treasures in an Old Book
August 21, 2014Saint Augustine |
Saint Augustine.
(354–430). The Confessions of St. Augustine.
Vol. 7, pp. 118-126 of
The Harvard Classics
A certain man was
willed a Bible. He scorned the legacy until one day, penniless and
downcast, he turned to the book for consolation. Imagine his
amazement on finding hundred dollar bills between the pages. St.
Augustine explains how he found even greater treasures in the Bible.
The
Eighth Book
Augustine’s
thirty-second year. He consults Simplicianus: from him hears the
history of the conversion of Victorinus, and longs to devote himself
entirely to God, but is mastered by his old habits; is still further
roused by the history of St. Antony, and the conversion of two
courtiers; during a severe struggle hears a voice from heaven, opens
Scripture, and is converted, with his friend Alypius. His mother’s
vision fulfilled.
O MY God, let me, with thanksgiving,
remember, and confess unto Thee Thy mercies on me. Let my
bones be be-dewed with Thy love, and let them say
unto Thee, Who is like unto Thee, O Lord? 1 Thou
has broken my bonds in sunder, I will offer unto Thee the sacrifice
of thanksgiving. 2 And how Thou has broken
them, I will declare; and all who worship Thee, when they hear this,
shall say, “Blessed be the Lord in heaven and in earth, great and
wonderful is His name.” Thy words had stuck fast in my heart, and I
was hedged round about on all sides by Thee. 3 Of
Thy eternal life I was now certain, though I saw it in a figure and
as through a glass. 4 Yet I had
ceased to doubt that there was an incorruptible substance, whence was
all other substance; nor did I now desire to be more certain of Thee,
but more steadfast in Thee. But for my temporal life, all was
wavering, and my heart had to be purged from the old
leaven. 5 The Way, 6 the
Saviour Himself, well pleased me, but as yet I shrunk from going
through its straitness. And Thou didst put into my mind, and it
seemed good in my eyes, to go to Simplicianus, who seemed to me a
good servant of Thine; and Thy grace shone in him. I had heard also
that from his very youth he had lived most devoted unto Thee. Now he
was grown into years; and by reason of so great age spent in such
zealous following of Thy ways, he seemed to me likely to have learned
much experience; and so he had. Out of which store I wished that he
would tell me (setting before him my anxieties) which were the
fittest way for one in my case to walk in Thy paths.
For, I was the church full; and one went this way, and
another that way. But I was displeased that I led a secular life; yea
now that my desires no longer inflamed me, as of old, with hopes of
honour and profit, a very grievous burden it was to undergo so heavy
a bondage. For, in comparison of Thy sweetness, and the
beauty of Thy house which I loved, 7 those
things delighted me no longer. But still I was enthralled with the
love of woman; nor did the Apostle forbid me to marry, although he
advised me to something better, chiefly wishing that all men
were as himself was. 8 But I being weak,
chose the more indulgent place; and because of this alone, was tossed
up and down in all beside, faint and wasted with withering cares,
because in other matters I was constrained against my will to conform
myself to a married life, to which I was given up and enthralled. I
had heard from the mouth of the Truth, that there were some
eunuchs which had made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven’s
sake: but, saith He, let him who can receive it, receive it. 9 Surely
vain are all men who are ignorant of God, and could not out of the
good things which are seen, find out Him who is good. 10 But
I was no longer in that vanity; I had surmounted it; and by the
common witness of all Thy creatures had found Thee our Creator, and
Thy Word, God with Thee, and together with Thee one God, by whom Thou
createdst all things. There is yet another kind of ungodly, who
knowing God, glorified Him not as God, neither were thankful. 11 Into
this also I had fallen, butThy right hand upheld me, 12 and
took me thence, and Thou placedst me where I might recover. For Thou
hast said unto man, Behold, the fear of the Lord is
wisdom, 13 and,Desire not to seem
wise; 14 because they who affirmed
themselves to be wise, became fools. 15 But
I had now found the goodly pearl, which, selling all that I
had, 16 I ought to have bought, and
I hesitated.
To
Simplicianus then I went, the father of Ambrose (a Bishop now) in
receiving Thy grace, and whom Ambrose truly loved as a father. To him
I related the mazes of my wanderings. But when I mentioned that I had
read certain books of the Platonists, which Victorinus, sometime
Rhetoric Professor of Rome (who had died a Christian, as I had
heard), had translated into Latin, he testified his joy that I had
not fallen upon the writings of other philosophers, full of fallacies
and deceits, after the rudiments of this world, 17whereas
the Platonists many ways led to the belief in God and His Word. Then
to exhort me to the humility of Christ, hidden from the wise,
and revealed to little ones, 18 he spoke of
Victorinus himself, whom while at Rome he had most intimately known:
and of him he related what I will not conceal. For it contains
great praise of Thy grace, to be confessed unto
Thee, how that aged man, most learned and skilled in the liberal
sciences, and who had read, and weighed so many works of the
philosophers; the instructor of so many noble Senators, who also, as
a monument of his excellent discharge of his office, had (which men
of this world esteem a high honour) both deserved and obtained a
statue in the Roman Forum; he, to that age a worshipper of idols, and
a partaker of the sacrilegious rites, to which almost all the
nobility of Rome were given up, and had inspired the people with the
love of
“Anubis, barking
Deity, and all
The monster Gods of
every kind, who fought
’Gainst Neptune,
Venus, and Minerva”:
whom Rome once conquered, now adored, all which
the aged Victorinus had with thundering eloquence so many years
defended;—he now blushed not to be the child of Thy Christ, and the
newborn babe of Thy fountain; submitting his neck to the yoke of
humility, and subduing his forehead to the reproach of the Cross.
O Lord, Lord, Which hast bowed the heavens and
come down, touched the mountains and they did smoke, 19 by
what means didst Thou convey Thyself into that breast? He used to
read (as Simplicianus said) the holy Scripture, most studiously
sought and searched into all the Christian writings, and said to
Simplicianus (not openly, but privately and as a friend), “Understand
that I am already a Christian.” Whereto he answered, “I will not
believe it, nor will I rank you among Christians, unless I see you in
the Church of Christ.” The other, in banter replied, “Do walls
then make Christians?” And this he often said, that he was already
a Christian; and Simplicianus as often made the same answer, and the
conceit of the “walls” was by the other as often renewed. For he
feared to offend his friends, proud dæmon-worshippers, from the
height of whose Babylonian dignity, as from cedars of
Libanus, 20 which the Lord had
not yet broken down, he supposed the weight of
enmity would fall upon him. But after that by reading and earnest
thought he had gathered firmness, and feared to be denied by
Christ before the holy angels, should he now be afraid to confess Him
before men, 21 and appeared to himself
guilty of a heavy offence, in being ashamed of the Sacraments of the
humility of Thy Word, and not being ashamed of the sacrilegious rites
of those proud dæmons, whose pride he had imitated and their rites
adopted, he became bold-faced against vanity, and shame-faced towards
the truth, and suddenly and unexpectedly said to Simplicianus (as
himself told me), “Go we to the Church; I wish to be made a
Christian.” But he, not containing himself for joy, went with him.
And having been admitted to the first Sacrament and become a
Catechumen, not long after he further gave in his name, that he might
be regenerated by baptism, Rome wondering, the Church, rejoicing. The
proud saw, and were wroth; they gnashed with their teeth, and
melted away. 22 But the Lord God was
the hope of Thy servant, and he regarded not
vanities and lying madness. 23
To conclude, when the hour was come
for making profession of his faith (which to Rome they, who are about
to approach to Thy grace, deliver, from an elevated place, in the
sight of all the faithful, in a set form of words committed to
memory), the presbyters, he said, offered Victorinus (as was done to
such as seemed likely through bashfulness to be alarmed) to make his
profession more privately: but he chose rather to profess his
salvation in the presence of the holy multitude. “For it was not
salvation that he taught in rhetoric, and yet that he had publicly
professed: how much less then ought he, when pronouncing Thy word, to
dread Thy meek flock, who, when delivering his own words, had not
feared a mad multitude!” When, then, he went up to make his
profession, all, as they knew him, whispered his name one to another
with the voice of congratulation. And who there knew him not? and
there ran a low murmur through all the mouths of the rejoicing
multitude, Victorinus! Victorinus! Sudden was the burst of rapture,
that they saw him; suddenly were they hushed that they might hear
him. He pronounced the true faith with an excellent boldness, and all
wished to draw him into their very heart: yea by their love and joy
they drew him thither, such were the hands wherewith they drew him.
Good
God! what takes place in man that he should more rejoice at the
salvation of a soul despaired of, and freed from greater peril, than
if there had always been hope of him, or the danger had been less?
For so Thou also, merciful Father, dost more rejoice over one
penitent than over ninety-nine just persons that need no
repentance. 24 And with much joyfulness do
we hear, so often as we hear with what joy the sheep which
had strayed is brought back upon the shepherd’s shoulder, and the
groat is restored to Thy treasury, the neighbours rejoicing with the
woman who found it; 25 and the joy of the
solemn service of Thy house forceth to tears, when in Thy house it is
read of Thy younger son, that he was dead, and liveth again;
had been lost, and is found. For Thou rejoicest in
us, and in Thy holy angels, holy through holy charity. For Thou art
ever the same; for all things which abide not the same nor for ever,
Thou for ever knowest in the same way.
What then takes place in the soul,
when it is more delighted at finding or recovering the things it
loves, than if it had ever had them? yea, and other things witness
hereunto; and all things are full of witnesses, crying out, “So is
it.” The conquering commander triumphant; yet had he not conquered
unless he had fought; and the more peril there was in the battle, so
much the more joy is there in the triumph. The storm tosses the
sailors, threatens shipwreck; all wax pale at approaching death; sky
and sea are calmed, and they are exceedingly joyed, as having been
exceeding afraid. A friend is sick, and his pulse threatens danger;
all who long for his recovery are sick in mind with him. He is
restored, though as yet he walks not with his former strength; yet
there is such joy, as was not, when before he walked sound and
strong. Yea, the very pleasures of human life men acquired by
difficulties, not those only which fall upon us unlooked for, and
against our wills, but even by self-chosen, and pleasure-seeking
trouble. Eating and drinking have no pleasure, unless there precede
the pinching of hunger and thirst. Men, given to drink, eat certain
salt meats, to procure a troublesome heat, which the drink allaying,
causes pleasure. It is also ordered that the affianced bride should
not at once be given, lest as a husband he should hold cheap whom, as
betrothed, he sighed not after.
This law holds in foul and accursed
joy; this in permitted and lawful joy; this in the very purest
perfection of friendship; this, in him who was dead, and
lived again; had been lost and was found. Every where the
greater joy is ushered in by the greater pain. What means this, O
Lord my God, whereas Thou art everlastingly joy to Thyself, and some
things around Thee evermore rejoice in Thee? What means this, that
this portion of things thus ebbs and flows alternately displeased and
reconciled? Is this their allotted measure? Is this all Thou hast
assigned to them, whereas from the highest heavens to the lowest
earth, from the beginning of the world to the end of ages, from the
angle to the worm, from the first motion to the last, Thou settest
each in its place, and realisest each in their season, every thing
good after its kind? Woe is me! how high art Thou in the highest, and
how deep in the deepest! and Thou never departest, and we scarcely
return to Thee.
Up, Lord, and do; stir us up, and recall us; kindle and
draw us; inflame, grow sweet unto us; let us now love, let us
run. 26 Do not many, out of a deeper hell of
blindness than Victorinus, return to Thee, approach, and are
enlightened, receiving that Light, which they
who receive, receive power from Thee to become Thy sons? 27 But
if they be less known to the nations, even they that know them, joy
less for them. For when many joy together, each also has more
exuberant joy; for that they are kindled and inflamed one by the
other. Again, because those known to many, influence the more towards
salvation, and lead the way with many to follow. And therefore do
they also who preceded them much rejoice not in them, because they
rejoice not in them alone. For far be it, that in Thy tabernacle the
persons of the rich should be accepted before the poor, or the noble
before the ignoble; seeing rather Thou hast chosen the weak
things of the world to confound the strong; and the base things of
this world, and the things despised hast Thou chosen, and those
things which are not, that Thou mightest bring to nought things that
are. 28 And yet even that least
of Thy apostles, 29 by
whose tongue Thou soundedest forth these words, when through his
warfare, Paulus the Proconsul, his pride conquered, was made to pass
under the easy yoke of Thy Christ, and became a
provincial of the great King; he also for his former name Saul, was
pleased to be called Paul, in testimony of so great a victory. For
the enemy is more overcome in one, of whom he hath more hold; by whom
he hath hold of more. But the proud he hath more hold of, through
their nobility; and by them, of more through their authority. By how
much the more welcome then the heart of Victorinus was esteemed,
which the devil had held as an impregnable possession, the tongue of
Victorinus, with which mighty and keen weapon he had slain many; so
much the more abundantly ought Thy sons to rejoice, for that our
King hath bound the strong man, 30and
they saw his vessels taken from him and cleansed, and made
meet for Thy honour; 31and become serviceable
for the Lord, unto every good work. 32
But when that man
of Thine, Simplicianus, related to me this of Victorinus, I was on
fire to imitate him; for for this very end had he related it. But
when he had subjoined also, how in the days of the Emperor Julian a
law was made, whereby Christians were forbidden to teach the liberal
sciences or oratory; and how he, obeying this law, chose rather to
give over the wordy school than Thy Word, by which
Thou makest eloquent the tongues of the dumb; 33 he
seemed to me not more resolute than blessed, in having thus found
opportunity to wait on Thee only. Which thing I was sighing for,
bound as I was, not with another’s irons, but by my own iron will.
My will the enemy held, and thence had made a chain for me, and bound
me. For of a forward will, was a lust made; and a lust served, became
custom; and custom not resisted, became necessity. By which links, as
it were, joined together (whence I called it a chain) a hard bondage
held me enthralled. But that new will which had begun to be in me,
freely to serve Thee, and to wish to enjoy Thee, O God, the only
assured pleasantness, was not yet able to overcome my former
wilfulness, strengthened by age. Thus did my two wills, one new, and
the other old, one carnal, the other spiritual, struggle within me;
and by their discord, undid my soul.
Thus I understood, by my own experience, what I had read,
how the flesh lusteth against the spirit and the spirit
against the flesh. 34 Myself verily either
way; yet more myself, in that which I approved in myself, than in
that which in myself I disapproved. 35 For in
this last, it was now for the more part not myself, because in much I
rather endured against my will, than acted willingly. And yet it was
through me, that custom had obtained this power of warring against
me, because I had come willingly, whither I willed not. And who has
any right to speak against it, if just punishment follow the sinner?
Nor had I now any longer my former plea, that I therefore as yet
hesitated to be above the world and serve Thee, for that the truth
was not altogether ascertained to me; for now it too was. But I,
still under service to the earth, refused to fight under Thy banner,
and feared as much to be freed of all encumbrances, as we should fear
to be encumbered with it. Thus with the baggage of this present world
was I held down pleasantly, as in sleep; and the thoughts wherein I
meditated on Thee were like the efforts of such as would awake, who
yet overcome with a heavy drowsiness, are again drenched therein. And
as no one would sleep for ever, and in all men’s sober judgment
waking is better, yet a man for the most part, feeling a heavy
lethargy in all his limbs, defers to shake off sleep, and, though
half displeased, yet even, after it is time to rise, with pleasure
yields to it, so was I assured that much better were it for me to
give myself up to Thy charity, than to give myself over to mine own
cupidity; but though the former course satisfied me and gained the
mastery, the latter pleased me and held me mastered. Nor had I thing
to answer Thee calling to me,Awake thou that sleepest, and arise
from the dead, and Christ shall give thee light. 36 And
when Thou didst on all sides show me that what Thou saidst was true,
I, convicted by the truth, had nothing at all to answer, but only
those dull and drowsy words, “Anon, anon,” “presently,”
“leave me but a little.” But “presently, presently,” had no
present, and my “little while” went on for a long while; in
vain I delighted in Thy law according to the inner man, when
another law in my members rebelled against the law of my mind, and
led me captive under the law of sin which was in my members. 37 For
the law of sin is the violence of custom, whereby the mind is drawn
and holden, even against its will; but deservedly, for that it
willingly fell into it. Who then should deliver me thus
wretched from the body of this death, but Thy grace only, through
Jesus Christ our Lord? 38
And how Thou didst
deliver me out of the bonds of desire, wherewith I was bound most
straitly to carnal concupiscence, and out of the drudgery of worldly
things, I will now declare, and confess unto Thy name, O
Lord, my helper and my Redeemer. 39 Amid
increasing anxiety, I was doing my wonted business, and daily sighing
unto Thee. I attended Thy Church, whenever free from the business
under the burden of which I groaned. Alypius was with me, now after
the third sitting released from his law business, and waiting to whom
to sell his counsel, as I sold the skill of speaking, if indeed
teaching can impart it. Nebridius had now, in consideration of our
friendship, consented to teach under Verecundus, a citizen and a
grammarian of Milan, and a very intimate friend of us all; who
urgently desired, and by the right of friendship challenged from our
company, such faithful aid as he greatly needed. Nebridius then was
not drawn to this by any desire of advantage (for he might have made
much more of his learning had he so willed), but as a most kind and
gentle friend, he would not be wanting to a good office, and slight
our request. But he acted herein very discreetly, shunning to become
known to personages great according to this world, avoiding the
distraction of mind thence ensuing, and desiring to have it free and
at leisure, as many hours as might be, to seek, or read, or hear
something concerning wisdom.
Upon a day then, Nebridius being
absent (I recollect not why), lo, there came to see me and Alypius,
one Pontitianus, our countryman so far as being an African, in high
office in the Emperor’s court. What he would with us, I know not,
but we sat down to converse, and it happened that upon a table for
some game, before us, he observed a book, took, opened it, and
contrary to his expectation, found it the Apostle Paul; for he had
thought it some of those books which I was wearing myself in
teaching. Whereat smiling, and looking at me, he expressed his joy
and wonder that he had on a sudden found this book, and this only
before my eyes. For he was a Christian, and baptised, and often bowed
himself before Thee our God in the Church, in frequent and continued
prayers. When then I had told him that I bestowed very great pains
upon those Scriptures, a conversation arose (suggested by his
account) on Antony the Egyptian monk; whose name was in high
reputation among Thy servants, though to that hour unknown to us.
Which when he discovered, he dwelt the more upon that subject,
informing and wondering at our ignorance of one so eminent. But we
stood amazed, hearing Thy wonderful works most fully attested, in
times so recent, and almost in our own, wrought in the true Faith and
Church Catholic. We all wondered; we, that they were so great, and
he, that they had not reached us.
Note 1. Ps.
xxxv. 10.
Note
39. Ps. xix. 14.
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