A House of Mirth and Revelry
February 03, 2020 |
| Benjamin Jonson |
Ben Jonson (1572–1637). The Alchemist.
Vol. 47, pp. 543-558 of The Harvard Classics
While
the cat's away the mice will play. Boisterous and ludicrous
happenings occur in a house left in charge of a servant. But in midst
of merriment the master returns.
(Ben
Jonson receives life pension from James 1, Feb. 3, 1619.)
Act
I
Scene
I
[Enter] FACE [in
a captain’s uniform, with his sword drawn, and] SUBTLE [with
a vial, quarrelling, and followed by] DOL COMMON 1
FACE. BELIEVE ’t,
I will.
SUB. Thy
worst.
DOL. Have
you your wits? why, gentlemen! for love——
FACE. Sirrah,
I’ll strip you——
SUB. What
to do?
FACE. Rogue,
rogue!—out of all your sleights. 2
DOL. Nay,
look ye, sovereign, general, are you madmen?
SUB. O,
let the wild sheep loose. I’ll gum your silks
With
good strong water, an you come.
DOL. Will
you have
The
neighbours hear you? Will you betray all?
Hark!
I hear somebody.
FACE. Sirrah——
SUB. I
shall mar
All
that the tailor has made if you approach.
FACE. You
most notorious whelp, you insolent slave,
Dare
you do this?
SUB. Yes,
faith; yes, faith.
FACE. Why,
who
Am
I, my mongrel, who am I?
SUB. I’ll
tell you.,
Since
you know not yourself.
FACE. Speak
lower, rogue.
SUB. Yes,
you were once (time’s not long past) the good,
Honest,
plain, livery-three-pound-thrum, 3 that
kept
Your
master’s worship’s house here in the Friars, 4
For
the vacations——
FACE. Will
you be so loud?
SUB. Since,
by my means, translated suburb-captain.
FACE. By
your means, doctor dog!
SUB. Within
man’s memory,
All
this I speak of.
FACE. Why,
I pray you, have I
Been
countenanc’d by you, or you by me?
Do
but collect, sir, where I met you first.
SUB. I
do not hear well.
FACE. Not
of this, I think it.
But
I shall put you in mind, sir;—at Pie-corner,
Taking
your meal of steam in, from cooks’ stalls,
Where,
like the father of hunger, you did walk
Piteously
costive, with your pinch’d-horn-nose,
And
your complexion of the Roman wash, 5
Stuck
full of black and melancholic worms,
Like
powder-corns 6 shot
at the artillery-yard.
SUB. I
wish you could advance your voice a little.
FACE. When
you went pinn’d up in the several rags;
You
had rak’d and pick’d from dunghills, before day;
Your
feet in mouldy slippers, for your kibes; 7
A
felt of rug, 8 and
a thin threaden cloak,
That
scarce would cover your no-buttocks——
SUB. So,
sir!
FACE. When
all your alchemy, and your algebra,
Your
minerals, vegetals, and animals,
Your
conjuring, coz’ning; and your dozen of trades,
Could
not relieve your corpse with so much linen
Would
make you tinder, but to see a fire;
I
ga’ you count’nance, credit for your coals,
Your
stills, your glasses, your materials;
Built
you a furnace, drew you customers,
Advanc’d
all your black arts; lent you, beside,
A
house to practise in——
SUB. Your
master’s house!
FACE. Where
you have studied the more thriving skill
Of
bawdry since.
SUB. Yes,
in your master’s house.
You
and the rats here kept possession.
Make
it not strange. 9 I
know you were one could keep
The
buttery-hatch still lock’d, and save the chippings,
Sell
the dole beer to aqua-vitae men, 10
The
which, together with your Christmas vails 11
At
post-and-pair, 12 your
letting out of counters, 13
Made
you a pretty stock, some twenty marks,
And
gave you credit to converse with cobwebs,
Here,
since your mistress’ death hath broke up house.
FACE. You
might talk softlier, rascal.
SUB. No,
you scarab,
I’ll
thunder you in pieces: I will teach you
How
to beware to tempt a Fury again
That
carries tempest in his hand and voice.
FACE. The
place has made you valiant.
SUB. No,
your clothes.
Thou
vermin, have I ta’en thee out of dung,
So
poor, so wretched, when no living thing
Would
keep thee company, but a spider or worse?
Rais’d
thee from brooms, and dust, and wat’ring-pots,
Sublim’d
thee, and exalted thee, and fix’d thee
In
the third region, 14 call’d
our state of grace?
Wrought
thee to spirit, to quintessence, with pains
Would
twice have won me the philosopher’s work?
Put
thee in words and fashion, made thee fit
For
more than ordinary fellowships?
Giv’n
thee thy oaths, thy quarelling dimensions,
Thy
rules to cheat, at horse-race, cock-pit, cards,
Dice,
or whatever gallant tincture 15 else?
Made
thee a second in mine own great art?
And
have I this for thanks! Do you rebel?
Do
you fly out i’ the projection? 16
Would
you be gone now?
DOL. Gentlemen,
what mean you?
Will
you mar all?
SUB. Slave,
thou hadst had no name——
DOL. Will
you undo yourselves with civil war?
SUB. Never
been known, past equi clibanum,
The
heat of horse-dung, under ground, in cellars,
Or
an ale-house darker than deaf John’s; been lost
To
all mankind, but laundresses and tapsters,
Had
not I been.
DOL. Do
you know who hears you, sovereign?
FACE. Sirrah——
DOL. Nay,
general, I thought you were civil.
FACE. I
shall turn desperate, if you grow thus loud.
SUB. And
hang thyself, I care not.
FACE. Hang
thee, collier,
And
all thy pots and pans, in picture, I will,
Since
thou hast mov’d me——
DOL. [Aside] O,
this’ll o’erthrow all.
FACE. Write
thee up bawd in Paul’s, have all thy tricks
Of
coz’ning with a hollow coal, dust, scrapings,
Searching
for things lost, with a sieve and shears,
Erecting
figures in your rows of houses, 17
And
taking in of shadows with a glass,
Told
in red letters; and a face cut for thee,
Worse
than Gamaliel Ratsey’s. 18
DOL. Are
you sound?
Ha’
you your senses, masters?
FACE. I
will have
A
book, but barely reckoning thy impostures,
Shall
prove a true philosopher’s stone to printers.
SUB. Away,
you trencher-rascal!
FACE. Out,
you dog-leech!
The
vomit of all prisons——
DOL. Will
you be
Your
own destructions, gentlemen?
FACE. Still
spew’d out
For
lying too heavy on the basket. 19
SUB. Cheater!
FACE. Bawd!
SUB. Cow-herd!
FACE. Conjurer!
SUB. Cutpurse!
FACE. Witch!
DOL. O
me!
We
are ruin’d, lost! Ha’ you no more regard
To
your reputations? Where’s your judgment? ’Slight,
Have
yet some care of me, o’ your republic——
FACE. Away,
this brach! 20 I’ll
bring thee, rogue, within
The
statute of sorcery, tricesimo tertio
Of
Harry the Eighth: 21 ay,
and perhaps thy neck
Within
a noose, for laund’ring gold and barbing it. 22
DOL. You’ll
bring your head within a cockscomb, 23 will
you? She catcheth outFACE his sword, and
breaks SUBTLE’S glass.
And
you, sir, with your menstrue! 24—Gather
it up.
’Sdeath,
you abominable pair of stinkards,
Leave
off your barking, and grow one again,
Or,
by the light that shines, I’ll cut your throats.
I’ll
not be made a prey unto the marshal
For
ne’er a snarling dog-bolt of you both.
Ha’
you together cozen’d all this while,
And
all the world, and shall it now be said,
You’ve
made most courteous shift to cozen yourselves?
[To FACE.] You
will accuse him! You will “bring him in
Within
the statute!” Who shall take your word?
A
whoreson, upstart, apocryphal captain,
Whom
not a Puritan in Blackfriars will trust
So
much as for a feather: and you, too, [to SUBTLE.]
Will
give the cause, forsooth! You will insult,
And
claim a primacy in the divisions!
You
must be chief! As if you only had
The
powder to project 25 with,
and the work
Were
not begun out of equality!
The
venture tripartite! All things in common!
Without
priority! ’Sdeath! you perpetual curs,
Fall
to your couples again, and cozen kindly,
And
heartily, and lovingly, as you should,
And
lose not the beginning of a term,
Or,
by this hand, I shall grow factious too,
And
take my part, and quit you.
FACE. ’Tis
his fault;
He
ever murmurs, and objects his pains,
And
says, the weight of all lies upon him.
SUB. Why,
so it does.
DOL. How
does it? Do not we
Sustain
our parts?
SUB. Yes,
but they are not equal.
DOL. Why,
if your part exceed today, I hope
Ours
may to-morrow match it.
SUB. Ay,
they may.
DOL. May,
murmuring mastiff! Ay, and do. Death on me!
Help
me to throttle him. [Seizes SUB. by the throat.]
SUB. Dorothy!
Mistress Dorothy!
’Ods
precious, I’ll do anything. What do you mean?
DOL. Because
o’ your fermentation and cibation? 26
SUB. Not
I, by heaven——
DOL. Your
Sol and Luna——help me. [To FACE.]
SUB. Would
I were hang’d then! I’ll conform myself.
DOL. Will
you, sir? Do so then, and quickly: swear.
SUB. What
should I swear?
DOL. To
leave your faction, sir,
And
labour kindly in the common work.
SUB. Let
me not breathe if I meant aught beside.
I
only us’d those speeches as a spur
To
him.
DOL. I
hope we need no spurs, sir. Do we?
FACE. ’Slid,
prove today who shall shark best.
SUB. Agreed.
DOL. Yes,
and work close and friendly.
SUB. ’Slight,
the knot
Shall
grow the stronger for this breach, with me. [They shake
hands.]
DOL. Why,
so, my good baboons! Shall we go make
A
sort of sober, scurvy, precise neighbours,
That
scarce have smil’d twice sin’ the king came in, 27
A
feast of laughter at our follies? Rascals,
Would
run themselves from breath, to see me ride,
Or
you t’have but a hole to thrust your heads in, 28
For
which you should pay ear-rent? 29 No,
agree.
And
may Don Provost ride a feasting long,
In
his old velvet jerkin and stain’d scarfs,
My
noble sovereign, and worthy general,
Ere
we contribute a new crewel 30 garter
To
his most worsted 31 worship.
SUB. Royal
Dol!
Spoken
like Claridiana, 32 and
thyself.
FACE. For
which at supper, thou shalt sit in triumph,
And
not be styl’d Dol Common, but Dol Proper,
Dol
Singular: the longest cut at night,
Shall
draw thee for his Dol Particular. [Bell rings without.]
SUB. Who’s
that? One rings. To the window, Dol: [Exit DOL.]—pray heav’n,
The
master do not trouble us this quarter.
FACE. O,
fear not him. While there dies one a week
O’
the plague, he’s safe from thinking toward London.
Beside,
he’s busy at his hop-yards now;
I
had a letter from him. If he do,
He’ll
send such word, for airing o’ the house,
As
you shall have sufficient time to quit it:
Though
we break up a fortnight, ’tis no matter.
Re-enter DOL.
SUB. Who
is it, Dol?
DOL. A
fine young quodling. 33
FACE. O,
My
lawyer’s clerk, I lighted on last night,
In
Holborn, at the Dagger. He would have
(I
told you of him) a familiar,
To
rifle with at horses, and win cups.
DOL. O,
let him in.
SUB. Stay.
Who shall do’t?
FACE. Get
you
Your
robes on; I will meet him, as going out.
DOL. And
what shall I do?
FACE. Not
be seen; away! [Exit DOL.]
Seem
you very reserv’d.
SUB. Enough. [Exit.]
FACE. [aloud
and retiring.] God be wi’ you, sir,
I
pray you let him know that I was here:
His
name is Dapper. I would gladly have staid, but——
Note
1. A room in Lovewit’s house.
Note
2. Drop your tricks.
Note
3. Poorly paid servant.
Note
4. The precinct of Blackfriars.
Note
5. I. e., sallow.
Note
6. Grains of powder.
Note
7. Chilblains.
Note
8. A hat of coarse material.
Note
9. Don’t pretend to forget.
Note
10. Sell the beer intended for the poor to liquor-dealers.
Note
11. Tips.
Note
12. A game of cards.
Note
13. I. e., to the card-players.
Note
14. Technical jargon of alchemy.
Note
15. Accomplishment.
Note
16. At the moment when success is near.
Note
17. Astrological tricks.
Note
18. A notorious highwayman.
Note
19. Eating more than his share of rations.
Note
20. Bitch.
Note
21. Henry VIII, the first act against witchcraft in England.
Note
22. “Sweating” and clipping the coinage.
Note
23. Halter.
Note
24. A liquid which dissolves solids.
Note
25. Transmute metals.
Note
26. Alchemical terms.
Note
27. Seven years before.
Note
28. In the pillory.
Note
29. Have your ears cut off.
Note
30. Familiar puns.
Note
31. Familiar puns.
Note
32. The heroine of the “Mirror of Knighthood.”
Note
33. Green apple, a youth.
Act II
FACE, alone 1
DAP. [Within.] Captain,
I am here.
FACE. Who’s
that?—He’s come, I think, doctor.
[Enter DAPPER.]
Good faith, sir, I was
going away.
DAP. In
truth
I am very sorry,
captain.
FACE. But
I thought
Sure I should meet you.
DAP. Ay,
I am very glad.
I had a scurvy writ or
two to make,
And I had lent my watch
last night to one
That dines today at the
sheriff’s, and so was robb’d
Of my pass-time. 2
[Re-enter SUBTLE in
his velvet cap and gown]
Is
this the cunning-man?
FACE. This
is his worship.
DAP. Is
he a doctor?
FACE. Yes.
DAP. And
ha’ you broke 3 with him, captain?
FACE. Ay.
DAP. And
how?
FACE. Faith,
he does make the matter, sir, so dainty, 4
I know not what to say.
DAP. Not
so, good captain.
FACE. Would
I were fairly rid on’t, believe me.
DAP. Nay,
now you grieve me, sir. Why should you wish so?
I dare assure you, I’ll
not be ungrateful.
FACE. I
cannot think you will, sir. But the law
Is such a thing——and
then he says, Read’s 5 matter
Falling so lately.
DAP. Read!
he was an ass,
And dealt, sir, with a
fool.
FACE. It
was a clerk, sir.
DAP. A
clerk!
FACE. Nay,
hear me, sir. You know the law
Better, I think——
DAP. I
should, sir, and the danger:
You know, I show’d
the statute to you.
FACE. You
did so.
DAP. And
will I tell then! By this hand of flesh,
Would it might never
write good courthand more,
If discover. 6 What
do you think of me,
That I am a chiaus? 7
FACE. What’s
that?
DAP. The
Turk was, here—
As one would say, do
you think I am a Turk?
FACE. I’ll
tell the doctor so.
DAP. Do,
good sweet captain.
FACE. Come,
noble doctor, pray thee let’s prevail;
This is the gentleman,
and he is no chiaus.
SUB. Captain,
I have return’d you all my answer.
I would do much, sir,
for your love—— But this
I neither may, nor can.
FACE. Tut,
do not say so.
You deal now with a
noble fellow, doctor,
One that will thank you
richly; and he is no chiaus:
Let that, sir, move
you.
SUB. Pray
you, forbear——
FACE. He
has
Four angels here.
SUB. You
do me wrong, good sir.
FACE. Doctor,
wherein? To tempt you with these spirits?
SUB. To
tempt my art and love, sir, to my peril.
’Fore heav’n, I
scarce can think you are my friend,
That so would draw me
to apparent danger.
FACE. I
draw you! A horse draw you, and a halter,
You, and your
flies 8 together——
DAP. Nay,
good captain.
FACE. That
know no difference of men.
SUB. Good
words, sir.
FACE. Good
deeds, sir, doctor dogs’-meat. ’Slight, I bring you
No cheating Clim o’
the Cloughs 9 or Claribels, 10
That look as big as
five-and-fifty, and flush; 11
And spit out secrets
like hot custard——
DAP. Captain!
FACE. Nor
any melancholic underscribe,
Shall tell the vicar;
but a special gentle,
That is the heir to
forty marks a year,
Consorts with the small
poets of the time,
Is the sole hope of his
old grandmother;
That knows the law, and
writes you six fair hands,
Is a fine clerk, and
has his ciph’ring perfect.
Will take his oath o’
the Greek Xenophon, 12
If need be, in his
pocket; and can court
His mistress out of
Ovid.
DAP. Nay,
dear captain——
FACE. Did
you not tell me so?
DAP. Yes;
but I’d ha’ you
Use master doctor with
some more respect.
FACE. Hang
him, proud stag, with his broad velvet head!—
But for your sake, I’d
choke ere I would change
An article of breath
with such a puck-fist 13
Come, let’s be
gone. [Going.]
SUB. Pray
you le’ me speak with you.
DAP. His
worship calls you, captain.
FACE. I
am sorry
I e’er embark’d
myself in such a business.
DAP. Nay,
good sir; he did call you.
FACE. Will
he take then?
SUB. First,
hear me——
FACE. Not
a syllable, ’less you take.
SUB. Pray
ye, sir——
FACE. Upon
no terms but an assumpsit. 14
SUB. Your
humour must be law. He takes the money.
FACE. Why
now, sir, talk.
Now I dare hear you
with mine honour. Speak.
So may this gentleman
too.
SUB. Why,
sir—— [Offering to whisper FACE.]
FACE. No
whispering.
SUB. ’Fore
heav’n, you do not apprehend the loss
You do yourself in
this.
FACE. Wherein?
for what?
SUB. Marry,
to be so importunate for one
That, when he has it,
will undo you all:
He’ll win up all the
money i’ the town.
FACE. How?
SUB. Yes,
and blow up gamester after gamester,
As they do crackers in
a puppet-play.
If I do give him a
familiar,
Give you him all you
play for; never set 15 him:
For he will have it.
FACE. You’re
mistaken, doctor.
Why, he does ask one
but for cups and horses,
A rifling 16 fly;
none o’ your great familiars.
DAP. Yes,
captain, I would have it for all games.
SUB. I
told you so.
FACE. [taking DAP. aside.] ’Slight,
that is a new business!
I understood you, a
tame bird, to fly
Twice in a term, or so,
on Friday nights,
When you had left the
office; for a nag
Of forty or fifty
shillings.
DAP. Ay,
’tis true, sir;
But I do think, now, I
shall leave the law,
And therefore——
FACE. Why,
this changes quite the case.
Do you think that I
dare move him?
DAP. If
you please, sir;
All’s one to him, to
see.
FACE. What!
for that money?
I cannot with my
conscience; nor should you
Make the request,
methinks.
DAP. No,
sir, I mean
To add consideration.
FACE. Why
then, sir,
I’ll try. [Goes
to SUBTLE.] Say that it were for all games, doctor?
SUB. I
say then, not a mouth shall eat for him
At any ordinary, 17 but
on the score, 18
That is a gaming mouth,
conceive me.
FACE. Indeed!
SUB. He’ll
draw you all the treasure of the realm,
If it be set him.
FACE. Speak
you this from art?
SUB. Ay,
sir, and reason too, the ground of art.
He is of the only best
complexion,
The queen of Fairy
loves.
FACE. What!
is he?
SUB. Peace.
He’ll overhear you.
Sir, should she but see him——
FACE. What?
SUB. Do
not you tell him.
FACE. Will
he win at cards too?
SUB. The
spirits of dead Holland, living Isaac, 19
You’d swear, were in
him; such a vigorous lack
As cannot be resisted.
’Slight, he’ll put
Six of your gallants to
a cloak, 20 indeed.
FACE. A
strange success, that some man shall be born to!
SUB. He
hears you, man——
DAP. Sir,
I’ll not be ingrateful.
FACE. Faith,
I have confidence in his good nature:
You hear, he says he
will not be ingrateful.
SUB. Why,
as you please; my venture follows yours.
FACE. Troth,
do it, doctor; think him trusty, and make him.
He may make us both
happy in an hour;
Win some five thousand
pound, and send us two on’t.
DAP. Believe
it, and I will, sir.
FACE. And
you shall, sir.
You have heard all?
DAP. No,
what was’t? Nothing, I, sir. FACE takes him aside.
FACE. Nothing!
DAP. A
little, sir.
FACE. Well,
a rare star
Reign’d at you birth.
DAP. At
mine, sir! No.
FACE. The
doctor
Swears that you are——
SUB. Nay,
captain, you’ll tell all now.
FACE. Allied
to the queen of Fairy.
DAP. Who!
That I am?
Believe it, no such
matter——
FACE. Yes,
and that
You were born with a
caul on your head.
DAP. Who
says so?
FACE. Come,
You know it well
enough, though you dissemble it.
DAP. I’
fac, 21 I do not; you are mistaken.
FACE. How!
Swear by your
fac, 22 and in a thing so known
Unto the doctor? How
shall we, sir, trust you
I’ the other matter;
can we ever think,
When you have won five
or six thousand pound,
You’ll send us shares
in’t by this rate?
DAP. By
Jove, sir,
I’ll win ten thousand
pound, and send you half.
I’ fac’s no oath.
SUB. No,
no, he did but jest.
FACE. Go
to. Go thank the doctor: he’s your friend,
To take it so.
DAP. I
thank his worship.
FACE. So!
Another angel.
DAP. Must
I?
FACE. Must
you! ’slight,
What else is thanks?
Will you be trivial?—Doctor, [DAPPER gives him the
money.]
When must he come for
his familiar?
DAP. Shall
I not ha’ it with me?
SUB. O,
good sir!
There must a world of
ceremonies pass;
You must be bath’d
and fumigated first:
Besides, the queen of
Fairy does not rise
Till it be noon.
FACE. Not
if she danc’d to-night.
SUB. And
she must bless it.
FACE. Did
you never see
Her royal grace yet?
DAP. Whom?
FACE. Your
aunt of Fairy?
SUB. Not
since she kist him in the cradle, captain;
I can resolve you that.
FACE. Well,
see her grace,
Whate’er it cost you,
for a thing that I know.
It will be somewhat
hard to compass; but
However, see her. You
are made, believe it,
If you can see her. Her
grace is a lone woman,
And very rich; and if
she take a fancy,
She will do strange
things. See her, at any hand.
’Slid, she may hap to
leave you all she has:
It is the doctor’s
fear.
DAP. How
will’t be done, then?
FACE. Let
me alone, take you no thought. Do you
But say to me,
“Captain, I’ll see her grace.”
DAP. “Captain,
I’ll see her grace.”
FACE. Enough. One
knocks without.
SUB. Who’s
there?
Anon.— [Aside
to FACE.] Conduct him forth by the back way.
—Sir, against one
o’clock prepare yourself;
Till when you must be
fasting; only take
Three drops of vinegar
in at your nose,
Two at your mouth, and
one at either ear;
Then bathe your
fingers’ ends and wash your eyes,
To sharpen your five
senses, and cry hum
Thrice, and then buz as
often; and then come. [Exit.]
FACE. Can
you remember this?
DAP. I
warrant you.
FACE. Well
then, away. It is but your bestowing
Some twenty nobles
’mong her grace’s servants,
And put on a clean
shirt. You do not know
What grace her grace
may do you in clean linen. [Exeunt FACE and DAPPER.]
Note
1. The Same. The scene-divisions are Jonson’s.
Note
2. Watch.
Note
3. Opened the matter.
Note
4. Has such scruples.
Note
5. A magician recently convicted.
Note
6. Reveal.
Note
7. A Turkish interpreter, like the one who had recently cheated some
merchants.
Note
8. Familiar spirits.
Note
9. An outlaw hero.
Note
10. Probably a hero of romance. The name occurs in Spenser.
Note
11. Five-and-fifty was the highest number to stand on at the old
Note
12. The Quarto reads Testament.
Note
13. Niggard.
Note
14. That he has undertaken the affair.
Note
15. Stake against.
Note
16. To be used in raffles.
Note
17. Table d’hote restaurant.
Note
18. The gamblers (who frequented ordinaries) will be so impoverished
through his winnings that they will have to eat on credit.
Note
19. Supposed to refer to two alchemists, but the dates do not agree.
Note
20. Strip to the cloak.
Note
21. Faith.
Note
22. Faith.
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